I dreamt of you o.O It was awesome! You were here, visiting me, and we had so much fun! :O :3 I love you! <3
12.Mai.2012 - 16:30h
I spoke to Tom today. It took me 4 months but I finally did it. And I’m SO happy and glad and hopeful. It feels so good to have finished this whole thing. To have told him I wouldn’t want to do the DNA-test. And he understood it so well. He’s a nice person, really. I know why my brothers love him so much - of course he’s their dad, but that’s not the only reason. He’s fair. He’s a good human. It took a load off my mind, I really feel like being… a bit more free now. To start things again. I’m so glad, Sam, I’m so glad. I feel so… happy! :)))))
So you told me about religion, about believing in God. And yes… On the one hand I believe. But on the other… Not exactly. I just can’t deal with the idea of an old man sitting in the clouds, watching after all of us. Someone who made this world… No. God would be too close to the human-being, if you understand what I mean. I DO believe that there’s something out there, this universe isn’t just an explosion of physical particles, there’s something more. Maybe it’s just an energy, a light, but someting is there - definitely. I really don’t know what religion i’m into, because I wasn’t born in one. I’m not baptized, but my grandmothers for example are both very religious. My mother worked with Buddhism for so many years and I would lie if I said this religion doesn’t touch me. But also I feel like atheist, because I can’t live for one of those beliefs. Sometimes I’m really jealous of people who are religious, because they know what life is, what death is. Well, of course they don’t, but they think they do because of their “God”. And that’s quite a beautiful thing.
Obviously, I can’t deny the fact that I believe in guardian angels. I don’t know why, but I guess there’s something/someone who’s there for us. Who protect us. My family is, luckily, blessed with luck. Not with money, but you know, we have what we need and that’s enough. But when it comes down to family, friendship and love - we’re lucky. And I don’t want to decry it but I just believe in something who gives us problems and trouble just to show us: “Hey, your family is there for you and every problem weld you together even more.” And that’s one of the things I truly love about my family. I couldn’t ask for more.
You said if there’s destiny it will bring us back together and then it’s destiny that tears us apart by now. That’s exactly how I see life. I don’t really know if I should believe in destiny, fate. I don’t know if our lives are predetermined, maybe they are. Not completely but mabye there’s a statement for everyone of us. So, for the one it could be “be happy in your life” for the other “earn a lot of money”. I guess the way we get there is totally our thing, so we can do what we want, we can join the hard way or the easy one, but we’ll get what we should. I really hope it is this way. So whatever happens, it happens for a good reason. Maybe we both shouldn’t wonder about life so much, but it’s just how we are. And, frankly, I’m so glad about it! I’m happy to be a thinkersoul, and how I know you, it’s the same for you. :) I love you!
With every word you write to me, I’m more speechless. You give me so much. This energy you have, and only you!, is amazing. You give me strength in my baddest moments, you give me a big laugh when I need it, you make me smile when I couldn’t even imagine I would do it ever again. Samantha, I don’t think you have ANY idea how beautiful you are. Especially to other persons. Every human can be so proud, so glad, so thankful to be able to know you. To get a bit of your special aura. You give me so many compliments telling me how unique I am, and everytime I read those thinks I just think how wonderful you are. I don’t think that there’s any word in any language that could describe you. It’s not just the fact that you’re here for me, whenever I have problems, it’s that thing only you have. This light in your words, in your energy, in your radiation. You give so much, taking so little. I know you said those last words to me as well. But I just can’t NOT telling you it. Because I feel like… you’re the one. Maybe I won’t know you in 80 years anymore (of course I hope otherwise), but there’s this part of my heart, of my soul, that is yours since our very first conversation. Because you… you’re unique. Maybe, yes really maybe, you’re the girl I always searched for. The one with whom I can speak, write, think. Thank you. So much.
So the Tuscany was just as beautiful as always. The atmosphere, the air, the life… I really want you to go there once. With or without me, it doesn’t matter to me. i just want to know you in the Tuscany once. I really can’t describe how much this piece of earth matters to me. You have to see it by yourself. It’s… wow. Pure life.
So I wish you so much luck with your exams!!!!! You’ll make it baby!!! I’ll just sit here, drink tea, thinking about you, fingers crossed and waiting for your words. I love you. <3
“Ich liebe deine Seele.”
Hi Samantha, this ^ quote means “I love your soul” in german.
And yes. I do. I’ll meet Tom on Saturday and tell him I won’t do the DNA-test, I’ll wait until then to answer your big entry.
Hello Giuli! :)
I’ve seen your video soo many times over now, it’s so good to see you…well, move.
I’ll wait until you reply to the big post and then write back. I may take a while because I also have exams next week, and they run for two weeks.
I love you lots,
Sam
What happened with Luis?
I finally know what it is about Luis. I love him. I finally have enough courage to say it. I love him. I do. And the part of my heart which belongs to him never broke as painful as today. I’ll upload a video tomorrow hopefully. Good night!
01.05.2012 - 18:15h
Almost nothing has touched me as much as your last words. I just need time to think about them and I’ve more than just one topic to talk about, so… I need time. But thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being in my life. I don’t deserve you, but before I’d give you away I’d rather die. And you know what this means. So just be patient and take my two words “THANK YOU.” because I’ve never meant them as honestly as now.
01.05.12, 16:36
It’s not that I am unhappy, more unfulfilled. I felt the desire for…I don’t know, just something must more. There was something deeply unsatisfactory in my life and I have felt the want for something more for a long time, I despise upsetting myself over petty things—something which can happen often in college, being surrounded by so many people. That’s another thing, it seemed to me that everyone was the same, that there wasn’t anyone distinctively different and it was disheartening because I’d love to meet someone I speak to about all the things you know I love talking about. Since then, I’ve come to two very important realisations-one being I already have people like that around me, particularly an old friend of mine, Jasmine, I don’t think I’ve told you about her. And, of course, you—despite you being many miles away. The second, is the only thing that I will allow to fill that hollow spot in me is my religion. I’ve always believed in God, but lately I haven’t been all too devoted. The faith was beginning to be a little uninviting to me-christians were becoming all about laws and constricting rules that had to be absolutely abided by. I want to have a relationship with God, and that’s pretty much all I’m interested in. There are word to explain how desperately I want to have the Holy Ghost in my life. I understand people don’t believe in this kind of thing, but with the experiences I have had and my upbringing—I don’t think I will ever be able to view life as just a serious of events, and death as nothing more than decaying in the ground. I’ve said before that I don’t believe that anyone truly can describe what death will be like but I’ve come to look forward to it because to me it now means seeing this almighty being whom I utterly adore. I can’t, and don’t want, to not believe in God.
I don’t think you’ve ever told me exactly about your belief’s? and please don’t be afraid to completely go against mine, if that’s what you believe.
I am a Christain, and technically that should provide me with the answers-heaven or hell-right? but no, I mean I do believe in the existence of them but as to why we are here I have to say I don’t know. Nobody can answer that question, only air their beliefs so if it’s a direct answer you’re looking for I don’t think you’re ever going to find it. What you can find though, is your reason to be here.
You’d make a beautiful poet. Studying literature I see those views you mentioned feeling repeated through the most brilliant of writers, so maybe there’s your answer. Two author/poet we’re looking at now is John Keats and F.Scott Fitzgerald-The Great Gatsby, both of whom are romantic writers, and I cannot even phrase their brillance. The beauty and meaning encapsulated in their works is absolutely spell-binding. Simply magnificent. Neither received the praise and acknowledgement they were deserving of during their lives, both reflect their desperation for more in life through their writing, and both serve as iconic figures for literature of their time. They are critical, yet awed, but the society in which they live. Fitzgerald captures the essence off all the corruption of the 1920’s in 172 pages while Keats conveys a great show of escapism in the mythological nature of his poetry. I take that whole paragraph you’d written as an indicator of similar potential in you. It’s hard, but rewarding at times to desire more, as long as you work to achieve it. Bring your confusion about life, your fear of death and your desire for something transcendent in your life to come to life in your writing, and use it as a way to figure things out, and I see an iconic writer in the making. You have brilliance in you—now all you need to release it in your work. If you want to be anything, I get the impression you want to be everlasting and how beautiful to do so through books because they are simply timeless.
On the topic of writing, Henry Miller said the best way to get over a girl (or a boy in this case) is to turn her/him into literature :) you’ll get there don’t worry, after all they say time heals alll…it took me a good 8/9 months and I don’t want to jump the gun too much, but I think I’m there.
It was a beautiful relationship you shared, and it’s pretty bittersweet to be on your side of the fence. If destiny will bring you together in later life, then it’s destiny now tearing you a part. Things like that always works in way we can never quite get, and there are times when the steps made hurt so much but if there’s anything I have learnt from my life is everything always always always works out for the best. However, you can’t just sit, crying, waiting for ‘the best’ to come along. Allow yourself to mourn so that you’re not deceiving yourself and others with your happiness, but on the other hand strive to accomplish your self-made happiness. ‘The best’ will be along in no time.
I can re-enforce this enough-you are a beautifully brilliant human being. You see things in ways others don’t. You pull events and relationships a part to the most intricate form. You delve so far down into your thoughts, you end up lost in what feels like a pit that you can’t escape. You think wildly about matters of life, so much so you frighten yourself because you reach questions that are close to impossible to answer-yet you still search for an answer. You have unbelievable generosity with your spirit, giving out so much and taking back so little in return. You are utterly wonderful. And what’s so endearing about that is you have no clue into just how wonderful you are.
I won’t lie to myself and say he means absolutely nothing to me now, he probably means a whole lot—he was my first on a lot of things. But I’m just not longing for him to be in my life the way I had before, and the absence of that longing brings about great feelings of content.
Sounds lovely! The rain just keep pouring here—appropriate weather for the stress of exams I think.
You still haven’t told me about Tuscany! How was your time there?
I love you too!
